Be Excellent To Each Other

I am best man for a good friend, and have to write a speech. Any good ideas. I Have had suggestion for a lovely blessing.

An Apache wedding blessing:
Now you will feel no rain,
for each of you will be shelter for the other.
Now you will feel no cold,
for each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now there will be no loneliness,
for each of you will be companion to the other.
Now you are two persons,
But there is only one life before you.
May beauty surround you both in the journey ahead and through all the years.
May happiness be your companion to the place where the river meets the sun.
And may your days be good and long upon the earth
.

Yeah and then something vile to end with.

Good luck with the speech, have you done one before?

Has your friend ever soiled himself in public? A decent chunk of the Best Man speeches I've witnessed have included that detail.

Nobody is going to fact check it......

Don't try and be funny, don't slag anyone off, don't try and be edgy. People that do that aren't anywhere close to being as "fun" as they think they are.
Just be honest, sincere and heartfelt, and keep it succinct.

The apache blessing is nice, i'd use it.

Good advice... i have strawman'd it

That's a lovely thing to include Kov, and would make a great ending.

Perhaps include some things about how you know the groom, one or two short clean anecdotes, some words about how lovely the couple is (just in case nobody's picked up on this yet), and something hopeful for the future. I'd also put in a word of thanks to the venue's staff as they always get overlooked but might get you an extra canapé.

I've not done once since 2010, and it's all a bit of a blur for me as all I remember was that the first third worked, the second bombed, and the final third got a great reaction. It was before the meal so people weren't too lubricated but at least it was over so I could enjoy the food. A boost to my ego on this was that a while later someone who wasn't at the meal but at the evening part said he'd heard good things and wished he'd heard it.

Oh, and rehearse beforehand and keep it to time.

Have fun. It's the second most important and second most difficult task a best man has to do. The first, is, of course, remembering where that damned ring's gone from your pocket when it was there a couple of seconds ago.

I agree with this in the most part. It's ok to put some jokes in though. Being too sincere (tears and chest thumping about how you love him like a brother) is a bit much.

to add spice to it.. my ex will be there, the one that tried to stab me...

We were together when, we introduced the now bride and groom..

This is my 5th best man speech

Yeah, I mean sincere as in real sincerity, not American sincerity
And a couple of jokes is cool, if they fit. Just don't try and make it a comedy routine.

The important thing to remember is that it is in no way about you, so don't take the focus off the couple. Enhance their experience, rather than take focus away or intrude on it.
Don't try too hard, just be yourself and make sure you are prepared and know what you want to say. Then get mortally pissed beforehand, forget everything, and wing it.

Start it "Oh man this takes me back, i remember when *EXS NAME* tried to stab me just after we introduced you two, look at you guys now"

You're a seasoned pro then. Just take the best bits from each.



Not good at all. Still unless she's part of the wedding party you won't have to spend any time with her.

Be myself.. you sure?

Ha ha...

you should be my plus 1

Let me know the date, I'll see what I can do.

Sure, I assume you have a dress picked out already.

ABORT ABORT ABORT

Fifth-best man? So you'll be the warm-up act for the other four best men, anyway. Don't worry about it.

Can't decide on showing leg or boob..

Why not both? Something for everyone!

Remember the audience will on your side from the start, keep away from the smutty stuff as most people don't like it.

My brother hasn't spoken to his best man for 18 years after the speech he delivered....

You can't leave us like that. Tell us more!

Did you get very far?

Did he have a car?

It was a long time ago The speech if I remember was just shit and all over the place, one minute he was doing nice gestures like lighting a candle the next thing he was making smutty but shit jokes

My sister in law comes from a well-off, well respected Asian family so the culture for that sort of stuff wasn't there either

Kieth Vaz was a guest at his wedding, my brother never forgave him for laughing at the speech.

After his coke\rent boy allegations, his star has dimmed in the community. Vaz has been dodging facing up to things by claiming he was ill

My brother said Vaz attended a recent family party and my brother was sarcastically asking if he felt better and generally making him squirm

The odd stuff didn't stop at the speech either, my brother had a church wedding followed by an Asian ceremony, They got this really well-respected priest in to do it and they were all pleased he could attend

3 months after the wedding this priest was found dead in a house that had been set on fire. Turned out he was blackmailing young Asian men that had come to him struggling with coming out etc into I guess sexual acts

So one of them had snapped and killed him and they set the house on fire to cover his tracks

After all that I can say my brother is still happily married with 2 great kids!!!

That took an unexpected turn.

Jesus.

Wow... can I use some of that....

He's always involved in some way, isn't he?

or Hitler

Footsteps in the sand, dude.

Have you decided on what you're wearing?

Footsteps in the sand, dude.

Go with assless chaps. Classic look.

Now where did I put that ring?

*glances over shoulder*

Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding for the bride and goatse.

This is my speech.... what do you think?

Good Afternoon all,

For those that don’t know me I am Mark, for those that do…
I apologise.

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids would like to thank the groom for his kind words.

You know I had a feeling it would be difficult to follow a speech by Adrian and I was right…
I couldn’t follow a bloody word of it.

I would like to thank you all for making the journey to celebrate today’s wonderful occasion. Quite a few of you have travelled a long way & I hope everyone’s having a good time.

So how did I become Adrian’s best man?
About a year ago Adrian and I went for a drink after beating. We were sat having a beer after some general chit chat, Adrian looked me straight in the eyes, then his voice went all quiet and trembly and he asked what I felt about marriage.
I was rather taken aback, I told him I was flattered but what happened between us happened, but he is with Sarah and he had to move on...

I am honoured that Adrian has asked me to be his best man, and a tad nervous that I have to do a speech.

When I first sat down to write my speech I thought I should probably think of some jokes, but it suddenly struck me that friends always tell me that although I find myself funny, that doesn’t necessarily mean that anyone else does. Given this, I’ve opted to go easy on the humour side of things. There are however a couple of attempts at jokes, so please laugh!

Then I decided to talk to Adrian’s friends for advice one said to make stuff up, as nobody will know, and if he denies it, people won’t believe him..


I thought a good place to look is the internet., I was in on my own one day so I decided to have a browse. After a couple of hours searching I found some really really good stuff… but then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for best man tips.

Adrian is one of my oldest friends, we have known each other for about 10 years when we worked on a project together. Well I worked, he just talked to people. Even though he is from Yorkshire and I am from Lancashire we became good friends. This friendship was tested when he and the customer decided to call me Mary, even to this day I still am not sure why…..

Adrian’s house was always a welcoming place to visit, although I have to admit, it has got better since Sarah moved in.

One of my most memorable visits is when he decided to introduce me to beating, as it was ‘fun’. I asked what it was, he said it was standing in a field to help flush pheasants out. I thought great, a nice walk and I can work on my tan. We wake up early Saturday morning, and it is a bit damp. I get ‘here you go lad, have these water proofs’ I put on Adrian’s spare set, which were a bit big, I look like a kid wearing his dads clothes (look at the size of him). Of we go, get there and we are greeted by an army of tweed and wax jackets. Then the heavens opened and did not stop, I was stood on top of a hill with hard horizontal rain, you could not see more than 10 feet… I have never been so wet, I think we have different definitions on fun.

Another time, he said come down to the Badger Brewery, I am never one to turn down a beer ‘hint hint’…. ‘He goes Sarah can drive’…
Off we went for the tour and tried a few beers. Well you get 10% off in the brewery shop. We grab a case each and clock the sign that basically said the more cases you get, the bigger the discount, I presume this is how women buy shoes. Lets just say we save a fortune and left with about 90 bottles of beer.. with big grins on our faces, and Sarah rolling her eyes…



 
I think Adrian said he was going to honeymoon in Wales.. well he said he was going to Bangor for two weeks!


Ladies and Gentlemen,
It is now my pleasant duty to again thank Adrian on behalf of the bridesmaids, for his very kind words.
It’s been a pleasure to act as spokesman for a lovely group of people.
I’d also like to thank everyone involved with today for the hospitality we have enjoyed this afternoon.
Like everyone here, I wish Sarah and Adrian all the happiness in the world.

I would like to finish with an Apache wedding blessing:
Now you will feel no rain,
for each of you will be shelter for the other.
Now you will feel no cold,
for each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now there will be no loneliness,
for each of you will be companion to the other.
Now you are two persons,
But there is only one life before you.
May beauty surround you both in the journey ahead and through all the years.
May happiness be your companion to the place where the river meets the sun.
And may your days be good and long upon the earth.

I would like to toast he happy couple

So…. get off your asses and raise your glasses!!

The new Mr and Mrs Cocker - The bride and groom!!”

I'd leave out the honeymoon joke

No. It is good.

It would work better as:
I hope you enjoy your honeymoon in Wales!
(Turn and look at bride and groom)
Is that right?
(They shake their head or say no)
But Adrian told me he was going to Bangor for two weeks?
(Act confused)

Yeah, it just doesn't flow how it is.

Good speech Kov.

I like Trooper's suggestion as otherwise the line comes out of nowhere.

The secret to good com[timing]edy is

Yes will change it, cheers.

Make sure they're not actually honeymooning in Wales first though, because otherwise you're the one who's screwed

Somewhere in Devon, I think

Shame it wasn't Jamaica, as i've got a joke about that, that i'm absolutely sure has never been used before...