Be Excellent To Each Other

Ahoy!

I was thinking about adding a little "top tips" sidebar to Snappy Gamer with various gaming "tips" displaying randomly. Does anybody have any suggestions?

They could be "funny" or "genuinely helpful".

For example (an attempt at a "funny" one):

Looking for an arcade style "handbrake" for your home consoles?
Simply enlist the help of a male friend with an erection. A sharp tug on his man-meat whilst he presses the handbrake button on your joypad will fettle that. Increases the intensity of the tyre-screeching noises as well.

Kind of in a similar style to the Viz Top Tips section...

edit: Any submissions will be credited to the author (or a hilarious pseudonym if you wish).

"Americans. Play Doom to practise your school murdering spree before turning the controller on yourself"

"Dear The US Army - Iraq is not like Conflict: Desert Storm 2, so stop it."

After playing GTAIV, do you find yourself wanting to drive like a lunatic and shoot up the po-po?
If so, pawn your console immediately and seek help.

"Trumpeting morons. Please turn your headset mic to mute. Thanks."

Awesome chaps! Keep 'em coming!

We want credits and links, natch.

They're on there now in the sidebar under the archive. I'll make a little banner image for it when I get home. I'll add more as they're posted

They're on a random loop, BTW.

AVOID your 360's battery pack going dead at inopportune moments by always having the Play n' Charge cable plugged in to ensure it stays at full charge.

SAVE MONEY on expensive Live subscriptions by killing yourself ingame every 15 seconds and getting a family member to scream that you're a 'gay fag n00blar' in your ear.

CASUAL GAMERS. Don't waste your cash on buying a Wii for rubbish like Cooking Mama and Dogz by learning to fucking cook for real instead of eating takeaways every night, and paying attention to the flabby, unexercised dog you already have.

That's no way to talk about Mrs Angel etc.

GIRLS - Frogger is not worth getting pent up about. It's just a game.


(I'll be posting a video shortly that will explain this one, for Bezzie viewing only though )

You don't have to get a PS3 to play MGS4, just watch it on youtube.

I'll use one of my LameFAQS now that it seems "our" site is a dead duck.

"Street Fighter 2 enthusiasts. Hit the other guy."

In the CPC/Speccy version of Chase HQ redefine the keys as SHOCKED and then use 1,2,3,4 during play to access cheat mode features.

I've not understood have I?

Add a trendy edge to your less 'hip' gaming titles by recording mp3s of all the DJ Atomika dialogue from Burnout and SSX and so on, then streaming those to your 360 when playing Fallout 3, Mass Effect, Call of Duty, etc.

Don't fancy spending £160 on Guitar Hero - World Tour? Tune into Dave's TOTP2 repeats with a pair of spoons and play your legs.

I have three, related, in that story fashion that Top Tips does so well...

BROODY? Why not play on the XBOX LIVE GOLD SERVICE and imagine that the whining, obese, 12 year old vomiting a crude mix of ignorance, racism and sexism was your own flesh and blood and responsible for you wasting the best decade of your life.

Can't afford the XBOX LIVE GOLD SERVICE? Simply borrow the nearest 12 year old boy and instruct him to sit beside you shrieking and beating his chest. With one hours enjoyment typically running at the cost of a ten pee mix you'll make a killing!

Can't afford the XBOX LIVE GOLD SERVICE? Under no circumstances tempt children back to your one man bedsit with the promise of sweets, as a life time on the sex offenders register will result.

No, you've understood just fine, chap! I'd like comedy and helpful hints. Funny AND helpful is even better!

"Eton students. Recreate the thrills of playing your friend in Track and Field, by playing The Biscuit Game with all your chums."

Two priapic friends either side for an authentic Skiing simulator

I've added a lot now, but I'm heading home from work so the rest should appear later. Keep them coming - they're great!

Save money by throwing multi coloured paints on a colander then melt it onto your eyeballs rather than fork out for Space Giraffe.

"Just lost at football in the park? Call all of the opposing players F@gB@all5 and turn off reality in disgust by hanging yourself from the nearest tree."

Space Giraffe not your cup of tea? Try Frogger!

In the middle of a gunfight? Hide behind a flimsy wooden door and you'll be safe from harm.

You run faster with a knife in your hand.

School leavers. You cannot become God by sitting in the sewers killing rats, no matter what World of Warcraft has taught you.

Charging towards an enemy sniper? Leap frog diagonally instead - they'll never hit you!

Dead US troops. Press X to respawn.

Yay, I am famous.

Also - Any chance SavyGamer could be a friend of Snappy gamer?

Edit: although I don't link to friends on SavyGamer, so it would be a one way friendship...

EMOTIONALLY STARVED LOSERS. Get sympathy for your gaming buddies by not muting your headset and then coughing up a lung. 'Get well soon' wishes will flood in!

DON'T WASTE YOUR MONEY on expensive XBox Live subscriptions. Simply use the 1 Month Free code you'll get every four weeks as your 360 dies and is sent to Germany for repair yet again.

PS3 OWNERS. Elminate those feelings of buyer's remorse by convincing yourself that a rubbish platform game with a level editor is an incredibly original idea.

BUY YOURSELF a laptop with Windows preinstalled. Hey presto! You got a free copy of Solitaire, saving you buying the recent DS release of it.

RECREATE the thrills of Professor Layton by driving to Eastern Europe with a small boy and offering to help the villagers with their matchstick-related dilemmas.

RECREATE the thrills of levelling up in an MMORPG by going into your garage and stabbing all the rats and spiders with a butter knife. After you've killed 500 of each, shout 'DING!' and rush next door to stab your neighbour's dog with a steak knife.

HAMFISTED IDIOTS. You might find GTA4 is easier if you don't constantly drive at top speed, crashing into everything.

RECREATE the thrills of a Japanese RPG by smearing an entire tube of gel into your hair, tearing one of your sleeves off and getting a friend to leap in front of you every ten paces to throw lit matches and fish at you. Then go to your nearest Bullet For My Valentine concert to talk to the emos about their angst.

Fifa Players? Losing? Invent an entirely new game by picking up the ball and putting in the net!

Perkies = On fire.

Hand Pain? Hold your 360 controller by the provided handgrips for maximum comfort?

Game review too long? Simply read just the score for everything you need to know.

Take TWO bottles into the shower? Not me, I'm a gamer, I don't shower.

CONVINCE OTHERS you are JC Denton by eating a sack of gravel, drinking a single bottle of beer and falling over, and blasting your own legs off.

AN OLD GAMEBOY with a broken dpad is an ideal subsitute for gaming on a mobile phone.

CAN'T AFFORD all the latest games? Just say nasty things about them on the internet, it's equally fun.

Unwilling to play pirated games on Windows? Simply install Linux and run them under Wine for that 'open-source' karma boost!

Don't have fun playing games anymore? Go eat an orange

GAME DEVELOPERS. Disguise your inability to make convincing car physics by altering your game into a futuristic 'hover cars' setting.

BRING THE THRILLS of Sega Superstars Tennis to the real world by setting your racquet and the ball on fire before serving.

Like GTAIV? Well nobody else does. It was just a practical joke played on you.

Awesome guys, thanks very much! Feel free to add more as and when you think of them. Perkies - you're made to write these bloody things, man!

Gamers. Instead of trying to play GTA4 on PC simply buy a large dildo and cover the tip in araldite. Then, before the araldite hardens roll the glued tip in broken glass.
Then simply insert the dildo into your arse and twirl it around whilst holding a game pad in your hand.

Hey presto ! a gaming experience less painful that GTA4 on your pc.

Recreate those classic gaming moments by simply putting three cardboard cutouts of your friends on the sofa, each with pads in their hands.

Then, simply sit there and utter these classic comments.

"Oh ! I'm that car. I thought I was that one (and point at any quarter of your telly).. Can we start the race again please?"

"My pad doesn't work properly.. I'm not winning !"

"Oh ! I thought I was Ryu. No wonder none of my dragon punches were working"

And so on.

Remember kids, don't try to play games on your word processor. It's not what they were made for.

To see the end cutscene in Fallout 3: Play through the game as normal until the last scene. Then stop.

Compulsive Masturbators. Save money on buying Wing Commander 3, Ginger Lynn doesn't even show a nipple.